A safe space to grieve and process loss

Parents who have lost a baby whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. Generally, one session is one hour, and the number of sessions is tailored to suit your needs.

This will be completely tailored to your needs. We will get to know each other in the first session to work out what might be most helpful. Each session is pay what you can afford.

Grief after losing a baby - whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death - can be intense, complex, and deeply personal. Parents may feel sadness, guilt, anger, confusion, numbness, anxiety, or disbelief. Some may also feel relief or emptiness. All of these reactions are normal, and are certainly not linear. Grief often comes in waves, and there’s no “right” way to feel.

Grief and trauma are very similar. Grief can feel as if the ground has been taken away from under us and is all consuming. Grief can also feel like trauma, because loss, particularly the death of a baby, is traumatic.

It’s normal to also experience symptoms of trauma such as feeling in constant fight or flight mode with intrusive feelings, avoidant behaviours, low mood and cognition, and hyperarousal.

In the early days of loss, wrap around support is the much-needed antidote to the trauma in grief, and it is best to focus on good support early rather than treat the trauma symptoms, initially.

The difference between grief and trauma is how trauma symptoms present as time passes.

If the trauma symptoms continue and are debilitating, we could consider using 3 Step Rewind for the trauma symptoms in your grief. To determine if this would appropriate, I might ask you questions like

• How long has it been since your loss?

• Are the trauma symptoms in your grief debilitating and taking over your life?

• What would you like to be different as a result of lifting these trauma symptoms?

• What would you like to feel in that place?

• What are your best hopes for the future?

Treating trauma symptoms in grief helps lower the ‘triggering’ nature of them, but doesn’t make them any less distressing.

Because of the trauma symptoms that so often accompany different types of grief, feelings of anxiety and panic are common.

This is the triggering natures of trauma symptoms. A parent whose baby has died can be triggered by other people’s responses, who are themselves triggered by parent’s grief. There can be so many triggers, including the idea of future pregnancies, concerns of baby’s movement, health, sickness, death, hospitals, medical interventions, certain words, sights, sounds or smells.

This can feel like something really bad is going to happen and create a constant sense of doom/dread. Physiologically, it can feel like/lead to a panic attack.

Panic attacks manifest from the occurrence of three things;

1. Hypervigilance of the feeling of fear.

2. Unacceptance of those feelings (finding them intolerable)

3. A belief that they are the worst thing ever and we won’t be able to cope.

Good support is essential.

If you are experiencing anxiety in grief, I can help you by building your Anxiety Tool kit. This draws on the therapeutic approach of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Solution Focused therapy.

This will teach you how to tolerate feelings of panic to help you believe that they can cope with the feeling.

If you are planning for another birth after loss, I can help you to identify your fears, triggers, and anxiety, think about personalised birth planning, find the right support that is unique to what you need, and if needed, discuss the option for a specific antenatal course for your rainbow baby. Some parents experience guilt to be pregnant again. For those parents, we can think about ways to safely hold two truths at once; you can love and miss your baby that died, and you can love and look forward to meeting your rainbow baby.

Absolutely. Some parents find it helpful to attend sessions together. Whanau are welcome. Some prefer individual support. We can discuss what feels most comfortable for you.

I can come to you If you’re in Wellington, or via zoom if you’re further afield.

There’s no such thing as “normal” and there’s no timeline for grief. I have heard people say grief is the love, with nowhere to go. The intensity may ease with time, but the loss will always be part of your story. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting your baby—it means finding ways to carry their memory with love instead of only pain.

Many parents find comfort knowing they have options around the baby’s body, rituals or keepsakes. We can discuss this in our sessions. Some ideas include:

• Tikanga Māori

• Create a memory box, photo album, or scrapbook.

• Bringing baby home

• Have professional castings made of their hands/feet/face.

• Having professional photos taken of you, and your whanau, with your baby.

• Celebrate birthdays or anniversaries in meaningful ways.

• Light a candle, plant a tree, paint a rock, or write letters to your baby.

• Share stories with others to keep their memory alive.

• Naming the baby, if you wish

• Holding a memorial or private ceremony

• Keeping ultrasound images or hospital bracelets

• Planting a tree or garden

These acts can help you acknowledge your baby’s place in your family’s life and heart.

Yes, it’s common to question what happened and wonder if something could have been done differently. These feelings are part of grief, but it’s important to remember: you did not cause this loss. Many pregnancy and infant losses happen for reasons that cannot be controlled or prevented.

Each parent may grieve differently. One might want to talk, while the other may withdraw or focus on daily tasks. Grief can isolate, but shared understanding can also bring closeness.

Try to:

• Communicate openly about your needs

• Allow space for each other’s feelings

• Spend time together in small, gentle ways.

• Consider attending session with me together.

Use simple, honest language that fits your child’s age. For example:

“The baby died, and we are very sad. We will always love and remember them.” Avoid phrases like “went to sleep” or “lost the baby,” which can be confusing. Encourage children to share feelings and questions, and reassure them that they are not to blame.

Children are intuitive. They will know you are sad if you try and hide it. So let them see you sad. Tell them you are sad because baby died, and that means you might cry a lot. Tell them it is ok for them to feel sad and cry too if they want to. It shows them that expressing feelings is normal and safe. It can help to balance this by reassuring them that you are still capable of taking care of them and that all your emotions are valid.

Often, loved ones want to help but don’t know how. You can let them know what you need, whether it is meals, housework, child care, quiet company, or space.

If you are a family member, avoid platitudes like “Everything happens for a reason”, “God wanted another angel”, “You can try again” or “at least you have your older child“.

“I’m so sorry your baby died” “I’m here for you,” “Your baby mattered” is more comforting.

You are not alone. Many organisations offer compassionate resources for parents experiencing loss:

• https://www.sands.org.nz/

• https://pada.nz/wellington/

• https://www.skylight.org.nz/programmes/heart-song (a support group for bereaved parents).

• https://www.facebook.com/miscarriagewgtn

• https://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/

• https://www.griefcentre.org.nz/

• https://www.huggablehearts.co.nz/

Consider seeking professional help if you

• Struggle to function in daily life after several months

• Withdraw completely from others

• Express hopelessness or guilt

• Show changes in sleep, appetite, or mood that don’t improve

• Talk about wanting to die or be with your baby who died

If you need to talk to someone or are concerned for your, or your loved one’s safety

Need to Talk? Call or text 1737 (24/7)

Samaritans – 0800 726 666 (24/7)

Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757 (24/7)

Anxiety NZ – 0800 269 4389 (24/7)

Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (7am - midnight)

Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (7am - midnight)

Te Whatu Ora Crisis Resolution Service (CRS) 0800 745 477